How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Setting boundaries is one of the most powerful forms of self-care—but for many of us, it comes with a side of guilt. Whether it’s saying no to a friend, asking for space, or protecting your time, boundaries can feel uncomfortable. But here’s the truth: you can set boundaries and still be kind, compassionate, and connected.
Let’s explore how.
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They define what we’re okay with—and what we’re not. They can be:
Physical (e.g., personal space)
Emotional (e.g., not taking on others’ feelings)
Time-based (e.g., not answering work emails after hours)
Mental (e.g., protecting your beliefs and values)
Through an evolutionary psychological lens it is thought that emotions – like other characteristics – evolved to help us respond to our environments. For some emotions the link between a cause, the emotional response and the outcome is clear. Fear, for example, is a response to threat that enables us to fight or flee. For other emotions, it’s more difficult to trace these links. What is the function of sadness, for example, or shame?
Guilt can often come from:
Fear of disappointing others
Cultural or family conditioning (e.g., “good people always say yes”)
Low self-worth (feeling like your needs don’t matter)
People-pleasing tendencies
But guilt isn’t always a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s often a sign you’re doing something new which causes unfamiliar feelings to arise that may not seem to yet align with your values.
Is Guilt A “Useless” Emotion?
Guilt has a reputation of being described as the ‘useless emotion’ perhaps due people not fully understanding why we can feel guilty, where it stems from and why when we create boundaries to ultimately protect ourselves, this might involve us saying “no” on several occasions.
As infants and children we are socialised into our family norms and values, whether this has a moral philanthropic tone or something other, ultimately as we set off on our own individual path it those morals we return to throughout life. Let’s take an example of a child raised with the moral belief that all humans are equal and no individual should be without shelter, food or warmth. You might suggest this child has characteristics of someone who is altruistic, charitable and overall kind-hearted. Could you imagine such a child feeling comfortable saying “no?” Or perhaps as they become an adult, might they still feel uneasy telling someone “no” if they feel they are here to help others since their early influences in life have taught them a specific standard to live up to moralistically.
Is it such a bad thing if we do feel guilty, after all we could argue that if guilt stems from a place of connecting to our good moral nature, surely the world will be a better place if we care about “doing the right thing” for others. Our guilt may lead us to address our own behaviours in a situation, such as apologising when we are in the wrong or have made a mistake, rectifying behaviours that haven’t served us well; this would most likely result in a reduction in guilt – helping us to repair relationships and maintain trust between people; maybe guilt isn’t such a useless emotion when we put it in this context.
Is It Because Humans Are “Inherently Good?”
There’s much opinion on whether humans are born with the capacity for goodness, empathy and connection. Philosophers, psychologists and neuroscientists will each have their own perspective on the matter which varies.
Applying a humanistic view, key thinkers in this arena namely, Rogers and Maslow believe that people are naturally driven toward growth, healing and self-actualisation. Given the right conditions such as safety, acceptance and empathy people will move toward wholeness.
The notion that empathy is an innate trait is evidenced through multiple studies. For example, Sagi and Hoffman (1976) looked at newborns as young as a few hours old crying when they hear another baby crying – but not when they hear their own cries back. Researchers interpreted this to be an early form of affective empathy; meaning, feeling distress in response to another’s distress.
Later studies such as Warneken and Tomasello (2006) observed helping behahviours in toddlers using toddlers aged between 14-18 months who would spontaneously help adults who appear to need assistance e.g., picking up objects the adult dropped – without being asked or receiving reward. The interpretation from this study is that humans have an intrinsic motivation to respond to others’ needs.
Now, there could be other variables at play in both examples. Nevertheless, if we believe the hypothesis to be true, that humans are inherently good therefore when we say no, we rightfully feel guilty – where does this leave us when we need to set boundaries?
Trapped in Guilt
As a working parent, it’s all too common for me to feel guilty, and though I am getting better with feeling less (what I call) “Mom guilt” – it still rears it’s ugly head intermittently. Why is that, sometimes we can’t leave the washing up until tomorrow? The clothes that need to be put away? The hoover left at the bottom of the stairs that “must go back immediately.”
We get stuck in the guilt trap when our responses to guilt lead us to withdraw excessively and keep striving to make amends for things without stopping to evaluate our levels of responsibility. This leads to over-estimations of responsibility, excessive guilt, excessive withdrawal and excessive attempts to make amends.
When the standards we set for ourselves are too extreme or restrictive they can lead to excessive levels of responsibility for example think of the person who you know that doesn’t “rest” – always on the go; how do they appear to you? An individual who may never seem to let others take some of the responsibility? Someone who constantly says “I’ll do it” or maybe someone who has run themselves into the ground, displaying symptoms of anxiety or depression yet still continues to work through the struggle perhaps because they have a specific “standard” they have set for themselves?
What’s the solution?
Reframe the guilt, instead of thinking:
“I’m being selfish.”
Try: “I’m being responsible for my own well-being.”
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges to healthier, more respectful relationships. Start small, being with low-stakes boundaries. Practice saying no to things that don’t align with your energy or values.
Communicate clearly and kindly:
“I need some time to recharge tonight, so I won’t be able to make it.”
Expect some discomfort when you apply this technique it’s normal to feel awkward at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re growing.
Remind yourself that you are not responsible for others’ reactions, you can’t control how others feel about your boundaries. You can only control how you express them—with honesty and respect.
Lastly, practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend. You’re allowed to protect your peace.
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